Research shows that just over half of people don't get enough touch in their day-to-day lives, while 3% say they get too much. Touch and affection may be a missing ingredient in many of our wellness practices. There are many documented health benefits to human-to-human touch; it is hard-wired into many of our nervous systems. Just as lack of sleep or food can have huge consequences for our well-being, being starved for touch and human connection affects us as well. We can help address this by expanding our idea of where, and from whom, healthy touch connection can come.
Consent and Boundaries: Touch Is Wonderful Only When Wanted
In spite of the widespread hunger for increased touch, we also have variation in personal boundaries — who we want to be better connected to through touch, and who we don't. In one study, 63% of respondents said they would not want to be touched by a stranger. Touch requires trust, context, and consent.
A hug should never be assumed. If the answer is not some version of “yes, please,” then the most loving choice is to step back with grace. Part of this process has been learning how to communicate my openness to hugs and touch, and to ensure the openness is mutual.
The Life Span of a Hug: Handshake Hug, Friendly Hug, Nourishing Hug
Once we are in the hug, it becomes obvious that there are different kinds of hugs meeting different needs.
There is the “like a handshake” hug, lasting just a second or two, perhaps with a couple of quick pats on the back. A pat-on-the-back hug is better than no hug at all, but the message varies from “I'm doing this because it's expected” to, perhaps, “Enough already, let me out of here LOL.”
The 3- to 10-second hug says, “I appreciate you and welcome this chance to share space with you.”
The 10- to 30-second hug is where the magic happens. That's where we lean into the nourishment of our souls. Something shifts. Our breathing slows, our bodies soften, and the nervous system begins to receive the message that we are safe, welcomed, and connected. The research often describes this in terms of oxytocin, stress reduction, and affective touch, but in the lived moment it simply feels like nourishment.
This has the effect of comfort and safety. The high-alert sensors in our body go on break. Time stands still for just a moment, and then, with a sigh, the hug has run its course and, with gratitude, we let go. Even these more intense hugs have a natural life before they start to feel like it is time to let go.
Observer Discomfort: Long Mutual Hugs May Look Excessive Because Society Is Touch-Starved
In a society that often polices touch by asking, “Is that too much?” we may need to ask instead, “How many people are living with too little?”
When a warm, mutual hug makes observers uncomfortable, the problem may not be the hug itself. It may be that we have grown so accustomed to touch deprivation that ordinary human nourishment looks excessive.
The better question is: “Are the people in the hug still choosing it?” When the answer is yes, a long hug is not a breach of manners. It is a small act of human nourishment.
Attachment Styles: Why People Experience Touch Differently
I also suspect attachment style plays a role in how hugs nourish us. I have a secure attachment style, so I tend to experience platonic intimacy with trusted friends as safe and life-giving. Others may experience the same gesture very differently. For someone with a more avoidant style, too much closeness may feel intrusive rather than comforting.
That matters.
I am not telling everyone to hug more. I am inviting people who are hungry for safe, affectionate, nonsexual touch to notice that hunger and honor it.
References
Goldsmiths, University of London: The Touch Test Results
Extracted from a personal blog post originally posted .