I often find myself in conversations with people about their relationships. As an eternal optimist, I want to wave a magic wand and make everyone's relationships fabulous. Since life doesn't work that way, I study, learn and, hopefully, pass along what I discover in ways that help others.
Interestingly, the secret to optimal, extraordinary, magnificent sex isn't really just about sex at all. It's about how we connect with another human being.
The journal article and research in the rest of this article focuses on what makes for a fabulous experience, not what's wrong and needs to be fixed. While this is an older 2009 study I feel it is still groundbreaking in how it breaks down the components of great sex. The article is by prolific author and human relations and sexuality researcher Peggy J. Kleinplatz and her colleagues entitled The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of ''great sex''. (Kleinplatz et al., 2009) The researchers conducted in-depth interviews with 64 people: 44 individuals who reported having experienced ‘great sex’ and 20 sex therapists. The paper begins with a fascinating question: What takes sex beyond merely functional or satisfying and makes it truly memorable and extraordinary? Instead of how do you fix what's broken, they took the approach of how do people who already view their sexual experiences as magnificent experience their connection.
They identified 8 major components of what makes great sex. So let's look at their findings and drill down a bit on what they mean.
The eight headings below are the researchers' own labels for the major components they identified. The explanations and reflections that follow are my interpretation of their findings, except where I quote the paper or its participants directly.
1. Being present, focused and embodied
They describe it as complete absorption in the experience; attention to the body and sensations rather than evaluating oneself or thinking about other things. Mindfulness as a practice. As one older male in the study said, “There’s an intense focus on what’s happening right here, right now that just excludes everything else.” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009, p. 5) Practices such as mindfulness, mindful touch and sensate focus can help cultivate this ability to stay fully present with sensation rather than evaluating ourselves or becoming distracted.
2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch
A profound sense of connection with the other person, sometimes described as boundaries between self and partner temporarily becoming less distinct. One person described it this way: “A melding, blurring of identity boundaries so that one feels like you were literally feeling with the other and the distinction between what the other person feels and what you feel seems almost irrelevant.” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009, p. 6)
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
Mutual respect, caring, acceptance, admiration and erotic knowing of one another—not simply emotional closeness.
4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
Not just words, the ability to convey and understand each other was a key component. What does this touch feel like? Increasing our sensitivity to what each other is feeling. When we can develop the sense of “Wow if they feel like I do this is amazing”
5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
I'm allowing you to see the real me, just as I am. That’s exceedingly powerful. This quote from the article sums this component beautifully: “Participants revelled in the freedom and liberation to be completely emotionally naked with another person. The emotional power of being genuine, being seen and known authentically was described repeatedly as a gift.” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009, p. 7) Those of us who experience this in our relationships know what a gift this is.
6. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
Great sex was described as being an adventure: playful and fun. I love playful and fun as a way of describing what our sexuality should look like.
7. Vulnerability and surrender
I love this quote from the study: “It’s sex where you can say anything and be anything and discover anything and feel loved and wanted, accepted and cherished and where you’re jumping off cliffs and know it and feel safe all at the same time.” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009, p. 9) One of the beauties of intimacy is we feel comfortable enough in our own skin to be ourselves. There is trust that allows us to be vulnerable. This in and of itself is magical.
8. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
When we experience amazing sensual or sexual experiences there is often an out of this world sensation.
The researchers also found two minor components: intense physical sensation and orgasm, and lust, desire, chemistry and attraction. The things we often assume define great sex weren't what these people talked about most. What they talked about was presence, connection, intimacy, empathy, authenticity, playfulness, vulnerability and transcendence.
I think it turns out that great sex really isn't primarily about sexual performance. It's about how extraordinarily well two people are able to meet one another.
I have spent much of the last year exploring how we can build intimacy with the people in our lives who occupy that enormous space between “hello” and romantic or sexual relationships. My Year of the Hug initiative and my writings about intimacy in the friendzone have all explored that territory. Deep and vulnerable conversations, hugs, dancing, affectionate touch and simply being fully present with another person can deepen our friendships.
When I look again at Kleinplatz and her colleagues' eight components of extraordinary sex, something strikes me. Presence. Connection. Empathy. Authenticity. Playfulness. Vulnerability. Trust. Even moments of transcendence. Sexuality may provide one particularly powerful expression of these experiences, but many of the ingredients belong to intimacy itself.
And perhaps that's the larger lesson. Whether we're talking about lovers, partners or treasured friends, some of life's most extraordinary moments happen when we feel safe enough to be completely present, completely ourselves and deeply connected with another human being.
Reference
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M.-P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarini, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex.” The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1–2), 1–13.